Saving My Marriage by Learning What Love Really Is
By Joe Barruso - Certified Relationship Coach
After twelve years of marriage, despite loving my wife as best I knew how, our relationship was headed for divorce. I was determined to save our family, so I committed to seeking the truth about myself. In that season of humility and searching, the Lord revealed to me what love actually is — and that revelation saved our marriage.
For most of my life, I thought I knew what love was. What I practiced, and what I saw modeled all around me, was codependent, conditional, and performance-based. It rewarded good behavior and punished failure. That kind of “love” always breeds fear.
Scripture cuts straight to the heart of this problem: “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” (1 John 4:18) Jesus makes the point even more starkly: “What credit is it to you to love someone who is loving you back? Even sinners do that.” (Luke 6:32)
Our human instinct is to place conditions on love — to love only when our needs are met, when the other person measures up, when we aren’t threatened. That posture makes us judge; judges inspire fear because fear goes hand-in-hand with punishment. Jesus dismantles that whole performance-based system in Luke 6:27–36 by calling us to love beyond reciprocity, to love even our enemies. In other words: love when it’s costly, when it makes no sense, when it exposes you.
Why? Because God’s love is not transactional. God is loving especially when our conditions are unmet. He loves into our brokenness and calls us out of it — not to shame, but to redemption. Love, properly understood, is the powerful blend of truth and grace: truth to reveal what needs to change, and grace to make that change possible.
That kind of love requires denying the small, protective self. Jesus summarized the whole thing: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind… Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:36–39) To live this out meant I first had to confront my own fear, my need to be right, and my tendency to withdraw affection as punishment. It meant learning to love myself with humility and honesty so I could love my wife without coercion or expectation.
Practically, this looked like choosing patience over provocation, truth delivered gently instead of accusations, and presence instead of performance. It meant admitting my failures, asking for forgiveness, and offering forgiveness without cataloguing offenses. It meant serving when I didn’t feel appreciated and listening when I wanted to defend. It was not easy. It was costly. But it was the opposite of the conditional love that had been tearing us apart.
When I began to love in that way — with truth and grace, selflessness and perseverance — fear started to lose its grip on both of us. Walls came down. We stopped keeping score and started rebuilding trust. Obedience to the two greatest commandments became our roadmap: love God fully and love one another as ourselves. That obedience didn’t just change our marriage; it changed our hearts.
If you’re reading this because your relationship is hurting, know that the work begins in you. Push past your defensiveness. Set aside your conditions. Give love selflessly — beginning with the hard work of loving yourself honestly and humbly. It won’t be easy, but perfect love drives out fear, and where fear goes, true reconciliation can follow.