By Joe Barruso - Certified Relationship Coach
How Loving Your Enemy Benefits Your Marriage
Jesus’ words in Luke 6:27–36 are startling in their simplicity and radical in their application: “Love your enemies.” He doesn’t stop at a moral ideal; he explains why this love is different. “What credit is it to you if you love those who love you?” Loving people who love us back costs little. God’s love, Jesus shows, gives without expecting return. That is the pattern and power of Christian love.
Why love your enemy?
At first glance, loving an enemy seems foolish. Enemies are the last people from whom we expect kindness. They’re often dangerous to us emotionally—or even physically—so to love them requires lowering our defenses and risking hurt. But that risk is the point: loving those who oppose us is an act of faith. It says, “I trust God more than I trust my fears.”
Faith over fear
When we choose love in the face of threat, we practice faith. Mark 5:36 reminds us, “Do not fear, only believe.” 1 John 4:18 tells us there is no fear in love. The love Jesus commands replaces fear with trust—trust in God’s justice, God’s timing, and God’s transforming power. Loving an enemy is not naive tolerance; it is a deliberate refusal to let fear or self-preservation dictate our response.
Why this matters in marriage
This teaching has direct, transformative implications for marriage. Intimacy requires vulnerability. To connect deeply with a spouse, we must let down defenses we typically use to protect ourselves—defenses built from past hurts, insecurities, and the instinct for self-preservation. Loving a spouse well means dying to self as our protector and choosing to give love obediently despite fear.
Practically, this looks like:
- Choosing empathy and compassion over judgment.
- Letting go of expectations that the other must first change or reciprocate.
- Offering patience, forgiveness, and service even when it’s costly.
- Prioritizing the relationship’s health over immediate emotional safety.
- Speaking truth in love and maintaining boundaries around unsafe behaviors
These are not merely romantic ideals; they are disciplines of faith—faith that God’s love can heal and transform both hearts and marriages.
Start with self
Jesus’ command to love our neighbor “as yourself” (Mark 12:30–31) points to an often-overlooked foundation: we must be able to love ourselves rightly to love others rightly. The paradox is that the most radical way to love yourself is by receiving and practicing the self-giving love of God. 1 John 4:19: “We love because he first loved us.” When we accept that we are loved unconditionally by God, we can extend that same grace to ourselves and, from that place of wholeness, to others—even our enemies and even our spouses.
Love without ledger
Christian love refuses a transactional ledger (1 Cor 13:5). It gives without demanding repayment. It chooses selflessness over self-preservation. It steps into vulnerability not because it’s guaranteed to be safe, but because it is obedient to the Maker who commands it (2 John 1:6). This is the love of enemies: unmatched, free, and redemptive.
A closing challenge
Try this as a practice: identify one small way you can show an act of love—without strings—to someone who’s hurt you or someone you struggle to love. Do it quietly and expect nothing in return. Notice what fear arises, and name it as you choose faith instead. Over time, these small acts reshape our hearts, our marriages, and our communities.
When we love who’s hard to love—when we love our enemies—we step into the life Jesus promises: a life freed from fear, rooted in God’s love, and made whole enough to love others fully.